"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone,
"it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less."

--Lewis Carroll [Through the Looking Glass]

The amount of education you have determines your loot in life. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.     Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He was as tall as a six-foot-three inch tree.   The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name. Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead. An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. Anteaters are generally found at picnics. Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.   McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.   Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.   Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "second tall man."   Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.   The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.   They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.   John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.   The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.   His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.   The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. Arabs wear turbines on their heads. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half English, and half Italian. He was very large. The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. The death of Francis Shaw was a major turning point in his life. The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father and a president isn't. Female moths are called myths. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. My car sustained no damage whatsoever in the accident, and the other car had even less. No one heard him laugh like that since his wife died. The police reported that the victem suffered at least two broken legs. She was as mad as a wet blanket. She went into the hospital after being bitten by a spider in a bathing suit. That was another horse of a different color. There were only three other people in the restaurant, and half of them were waiters. HOME